Mercury Retrograde?

This is not a blog post. This is a rant. This morning, while searching the Twitterverse, a post popped up. It was by a friend – a smart and funny and generally level-headed person who I have known for over 12 years. The post started with “Dear Mercury Retrograde” and went on to rant for a little less than 14o characters about how things are all going sideways just now.


That’s like blaming my the crack in my car windshield on the vegetables in my fridge going moldy.

I find this tendency to blame negative occurrences in our lives on totally unrelated celestial movements not only utterly ridiculous, but also hilarious. Especially things like this description: “All machinery and things with moving parts–such as computers, VCRs, camera equipment, garbage disposals, and so forth, will reveal any weak links now. It is critical that you back up your data system and be more careful and vigilant than ever. Projects will demand more time and money than anticipated this month.”

Because of course when some people a really long time ago had the idea to come up with a random way of describing our lives based on the positions of the stars, they made sure to find out the effects of the cosmos on machinery – and they specifically took into consideration your iPad.

You know what, shit happens. It happens all year-long – and more often than not, it happens when Mercury is NOT in retrograde. Mercury’s retrograde is only twice a year for two weeks. So what about the rest of the year? Nothing bad happens during any of the other non-retrograde days of the year, does it? OF COURSE IT DOES. But why is it, in recent years, has everyone jumped on this “mercury retrograde” bandwagon bullshit. The number of comments I hear during this celestial menstrual cycle is staggering. And it’s from everyone.

Let’s be real here. The chances of planetary alignment being responsible for your car breaking down, you not getting that job you wanted, your basement flooding or your computer freezing are about the same as there being an actual Sharknado this afternoon. I find it harder and harder not to just slap friends and family as the words come out of their mouths. Because they’re ALL doing it. Hell, it has even been on THE NEWS. I mean, it’s not like there are other actual things to talk about that are going on in the world.

But the general idea seems to be that Mercury is in Retrograde so the world must stop until it passes, otherwise everything WILL END. Mercury Retrograde has become our generation’s Chicken Little.

Side Note: Do some research on Mercury Retrograde if you’re so into the idea, by the way – it is not meant to be an across the board coverage of everyone everywhere and everything. If you read the fine print, it really is meant to only affect one or two astrological signs through which the planet travels during that particular retrograde path, so only those signs are supposedly affected. Is it your sign this time around? No? Then shut the fuck up.

I ask you, for the good of all of us, please stop the madness. Let’s stop blaming the bad crap that happens to us on the planets. They’re just hanging out up there, doing their thing. They are completely innocent in all this and yet we insist on blaming our tiny little bits of bad luck on them. I feel bad for them, it’s not their fault.

If I randomly slap you for saying something stupid, remember, it’s not my fault or yours – you can blame it on Mercury – it’s in Retrograde this week.